Misery Bum

He has just arrived. He is attending the Aesthetica Film Festival today, but called in to use the loo. A small child is already in there, “oh, no”, he states “small children do poos.”

People think he is nice, but he is becoming Victor Meldrew. His biggest culprits are cyclists who have no lights, use their mobiles and do wheelies. He actually stated that if he were a policeman, he would stop them and crush their bikes. I asked if they could not perhaps receive a warning first. Apparently not.

The cat was in trouble this morning. She was accused of tapping his face since 4am. She never does it to me, she likes a reaction. She showed no remorse at his remonstrations.

The dog is also accused of unreasonable behaviour when she refuses to chase a ball which is heading towards the river. Yesterday, he actually wanted to lie on the river bank and wait for the ball to float within his reach. This is following a week’s worth of rain and quite a current. At my begging him not to do this for a tennis ball, he stated that I was creating a scene.

I take issue at this. My father tried to drown me three times when I was a child, which left me with quite scarred and with a fear of water. So, I say go for the ball next time, you’re well insured!

He has been suffering from coffee withdrawal. He gave it up for “Stoptober”. This was his social activity each morning on the way to the shop. He has loyalty cards for about ten different coffee shops (now there’s a contradiction in terms). Unfortunately, some of the staff have changed and others might think he has been more disloyal than usual, so no one is talking to him now it’s November. But it could be that he moans too much.